Choosing Motherhood, Or Not

This year, as Mother’s Day coincided with the news that Roe v. Wade may be overturned, we asked women from our community to reflect on their choice to become a mother, or not. These vulnerable essays may be anonymous but we hope you see yourself represented in some part of these stories.

I have always been excited to be a mother since a young age.

I grew up with multiple siblings in the same town as all of my cousins, and felt I wanted a large family of my own one day. As a teenager, I started babysitting and teaching swim lessons to young children where my desire for motherhood only grew. Throughout my design education in college, I often thought of how my learnings would affect how I teach my future children about the world.

“I wasn’t sure how to react to being pregnant for the first time. I was thrilled, but also surprised and overwhelmed. ”

When I met the love of my life in my late twenties, I knew very quickly that he would one day become my husband. We had talked about parenthood quite a bit as we prepared for marriage, and only 3 short months after our wedding we unexpectedly discovered that we would meet our first child around our first anniversary.

I wasn’t sure how to react to being pregnant for the first time. I was thrilled, but also surprised and overwhelmed. I had only been in my new company for 5 months and all of the leaders in my hierarchy were men. I felt nervous people would notice I was pregnant and pass judgment; I felt guilty that the side effects of the first trimester were affecting my work; and I felt scared that I could lose the baby at any minute. Ultimately I made it into the second trimester, and felt a huge weight lifted after we announced the pregnancy to our family and friends and finally received the emotional support we so desperately needed. At the same time, I had a close loved one struggling with fertility and another recently engaged who was constantly combating questions about future kids when she was focused on her career. While I am on my own journey with my first pregnancy, today I understand how valuable it is to support women, their privacy and their life decisions around you no matter the situation.

I have never been sure if I've ever wanted to become a mother or not.

I have never felt that I completely don't want children or that I really do, or that I want a specific number, or a boy or a girl, or whatever. 

“But do I want to have my own and bear that responsibility? Would I prefer to focus on my career and make the world a better place? ”

That being said, I do think babies and toddlers are cute, and I do babysit at times. But do I want to have my own and bear that responsibility? Would I prefer to focus on my career and make the world a better place? Can I afford it? Is it worth bringing a child into this world knowing what its current state is? If things took a turn for the worse, how could I live with myself knowing that I willingly handed these problems to my child? Am I over thinking it? And what about all the pain women and couples have to go through to conceive, to go through miscarriage, to not get enough time off work, to not have any recognition for what happens post partum - I would hope that our society as a whole would work together to improve on this, if not by now, then very soon. After all, it is a natural process of life.

These thoughts make me hesitant. I think, being single also makes me think differently about this all, too. I would imagine it's much easier to daydream about having children when you have someone you can see as your life partner, and as a parent figure to your kids.

I went in for a yearly check up and was told I had a cyst on my uterus and I needed to have surgery.

Two surgeries and 12 months of hormones later I have been told it will be hard to have children and will live with the effects of PCOS and endometriosis for the rest of my life. When it comes to  motherhood, I wonder if my body is even made for it. With all the internal barriers, are the external barriers of money, sustainability and responsibility something I want to take on? Maybe I was made to be a women fully focused on my work and to take care of my career like a mother would a baby.

“When it comes to  motherhood, I wonder if my body is even made for it.”

Currently, the trade off for motherhood is not essential to me. The extra time and resources I have are dedicated to finding what brings me joy and finding my passions and purpose. I fully respect the journey of motherhood and women who are excited to get pregnant. The sobering truth is, that getting pregnant and having children maybe an easy task for some. But for others, it will take a lot of time, hope and prayer all for the potential to be let down, and that is a courageous journey that a women has to decided to make.

As it comes to the topic of motherhood at work and in design I hope that as a society we start to embrace that there are many reasons, thoughts and feelings around becoming a mother. I hope we see that motherhood extend from just having children to having time for IVF, to preparing for adoption, to healing from postpartum depression, to time off after not carrying a baby out to term, to having time to understand and treat fertility needs in both men and women.

As long as I can remember, my sister and I have talked about the fact that she will eventually have children and I will be the fun aunt that spoils them too much.

It’s the same relationship my mom and aunt have. I can’t remember when we decided on that but the fact that I don’t want kids is something I’ve known for a long time.

“But for me, I don’t want to have children, and I don’t need a better answer than that.”

You know that thing people talk about where they look at babies and ‘their ovaries explode?’ I’ve never had that. When people find out that I don’t want kids, they like to ask why. It’s a hard question, and I imagine people who want kids struggle to put the ‘why’ into words too. The best answer I can come up with is that I just don’t.

I’m lucky to have a lot of strong, incredible women in my family and circle of friends that didn’t have and don’t want kids either. My mom has never pressured me to change my mind, despite many strangers that have pressed that issue on me.

But for me, I don’t want to have children, and I don’t need a better answer than that. I will always reserve my right to change my mind at some point in life, but I also reserve my right not to. And I believe every woman should be able to make that choice for herself, without fear of judgment or repercussions or needing to explain why.

5 years ago, I sat with a design coworker alongside the Chicago River to have lunch.

I was camping out at my company’s Chicago office, because I was doing my 3rd round of In-vitro-fertilization at a clinic there. I had been her boss when I had started infertility treatment several years before, so she had witnessed my struggle. “Why do you want to be a parent?” she asked, truly puzzled, as we sat munching sandwiches. So odd that I didn’t have a straight answer for her. You’d think that I would have something deep to say, especially after years of fighting against my body that didn’t want to do this pregnancy thing easily. I’m pretty sure I said something about wanting to teach my child to be an amazing human, but the truth was that I didn’t have a rationale. 

“But the truth was that I didn’t have a rationale. What I’ll say now if that wanting to be a parent is not rationally driven.”

What I’ll say now if that wanting to be a parent is not rationally driven. If you wrote out on paper the tradeoffs for lifestyle, finances, hours of sleep lost and so on – there is not much of a case to be made with data as to why be a parent. Some also worry about not being able to be an effective parent and employee. This fear is real if you don’t have a village of support. I didn’t have that fear, since I knew I had a network: my job at a large company came with benefits, stability, and predictability to the work hours, plus I was financially set up to create a care network to help me.

This past weekend, I had the joy to send that questioning co-worker her first Mother’s Day card, in the same week that she would return from her maternity leave to the Director of Design role she now holds. See this is the thing: Your feelings on being a parent change. I too wasn’t thinking much at all about it a decade ago. But something inside, something emotional, pulls some of us to want to parent. Having to consider the needs of that tiny human are a tradeoff, but one I was fully willing to make.

If you aren’t feeling that emotional pull, dread the idea of parenting, or just haven’t really thought about it yet – that is OK! The choice to parent should be just that, a choice. 

Whatever choice you make regarding motherhood should be yours and yours alone. We see you and we support you. Happy Mother’s Day, or not.