What Makes us Bad Feminists
It is a normal human reaction to want to put people and things into one box; to understand them in black and white terms. Good versus bad. All or nothing. We can feel conflict within ourselves when we’re not able to put ourselves in these boxes. Roxanne Gray addresses one such conflict in her book Bad Feminist (a highly recommended read).
“She wants to be independent – and taken care of. She loves rap, while finding the lyrics offensive to the core.” - The Guardian
As women in a male-dominated field, we feel compelled to defend our right to be in this space and proudly call ourselves feminists. It can feel confusing and shameful when things we want are seemingly in conflict with fighting for change. We feel like bad feminists. Part of true feminism is relieving the guilt for being complex human beings and allowing ourselves to break free from the simplified box others try to put us into. True feminism is when we have the right to choose for ourselves.
We asked women to share their experiences of feeling like a bad feminist, because we want others to understand this added guilt, regret, overthinking, and pressure that comes with being a minority in your industry combined with the stigma of your gendered role in society.
“I think I am a bad feminist at times for not speaking up as the only one in the room with an opposing thought”
“When you work with a lot of men, it is hard to know if you are being your authentic self at work. I’d almost guarantee that I’m not all of the time. It is not an intentional code switch necessarily. There is a time in particular that I regret. A woman on the team interviewed for a role that would have been a promotion, and I was on the panel that interviewed her. I didn’t speak up enough about some of the feedback from other interviewers when they were critiquing her “confidence.” It is such a tough spot to be in, because being the only person with a different opinion about a candidate can make it seem like I can’t recognize someone’s need to improve, and also could come off like playing favorites because we are both women. It's a lose lose situation. It weighed on me so much, and I ended up telling this woman how guilty I felt about it years later. She did eventually get promoted, but you can see how these situations are holding women from progressing as fast as men. So, I think I am a bad feminist at times for not speaking up as the only one in the room with an opposing thought.”
“When I hope for someone to hold the door for me, or even ask me out first, am I undoing or disrespecting the fighters before me?”
“Sometimes I feel guilty for really simple things, like wanting to have my hair or makeup done, or wearing ‘pretty’ clothes. Should I always wear trousers and a top? Am I conforming if I want to wear a dress? Or am I just overthinking? Then there’s the next level: I actually like a little chivalry! Having an equal friendship or relationship is great and shows how far we have got in society - and how hard activists for feminism and equality have worked to get us to where we are today. So when I hope for someone to hold the door for me, or even ask me out first, am I undoing or disrespecting the fighters before me? Finally, I wonder about the times where my female colleagues may have been struggling or needed standing up for - and I just didn’t realise or act quick enough. I think I can remember times where I should have spoken up for them without hesitating when their decisions were being questioned, I should have let their voices be heard when they got interrupted, and definitely should have been more outspoken about their achievements, so more people in the workplace heard about it - maybe it would have helped in reaching their goals much quicker.”
“Is it so bad to find joy in traditionally feminine tasks like preparing my husband’s lunch and cleaning indoors while he does the yard work?”
“Basic knowledge of seemingly masculine topics makes me feel like a bad feminist. As the only woman in our team meeting, a coworker recently said “this is maybe a question for the guys, it’s about the brakes on my car.” At that moment, perhaps I should have called out that women may also have car solutions, but I had no words because of my lack of knowledge (and honestly interest) in that area. I enjoy shopping for fresh produce, cooking at home over a glass of wine, and I find joy in preparing meals for my family. I enjoy cleaning my house because less clutter gives me a sense of peace, and using my steam mop relieves my stress. Is it so bad to find joy in traditionally feminine tasks like preparing my husband’s lunch and cleaning indoors while he does the yard work? Probably not, but when my interests or lack of interests influence my work I start to wonder; if I could relate to my male coworkers more, could I be a better advocate for women? Then I think that those “feminine” interests may be what makes me a good feminist because I embrace my passions and live my own unique life as a woman. As long as I can empathize with the perspectives and interests of diverse women in my design work, then in the end feeling like a bad feminist is just a feeling after all.”
“Should I be burning my bras instead of buying the ones that make me feel pretty?”
“I feel guilty from the seemingly small things, to some bigger life choices. I overthink if getting my nails done and wearing lipstick is too feminine and if people won’t take me seriously if I do so. I love traditionally feminine facing things, i.e. getting my hair done, having my nails done, putting on makeup and drinking fruity cocktails. I want to be the most successful in the room, but I also want to be the most put together. I don’t like sports or beer, I don’t like sketching cars, and I want to call a repair man when something is broken. Does this mean I’m not feminine, should I be burning my bras instead of buying the ones that make me feel pretty?
As for the bigger topics, take a seat. I don’t think I want to put my career first anymore. I want to put my husband and kids first. I want to be wildly independent and successful, but I also want to be taken care of and focused on my family. I want my partner to be the bread winner and I want to fall into a more traditional role of a homemaker. The thought that keeps me up the most at night is ‘did I miss this window?’ Did I put my career and accomplishment first for too long and now I have missed the time where I was supposed to find someone and start a family? Am I even aloud to say this out loud if I sit on the board of a non-profit who advocates for women in the workplace?”
“If I decide that my career isn’t the most important thing to me, what does that say to the women who broke their backs for me to have this opportunity and whose shoulders I am standing on?”
“If I’m being honest, I have a chip on my shoulder about a lot of things. I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life because people thought I couldn’t do it, because I wanted to prove someone wrong. I went into a male-dominated field and want to keep pushing myself in this career because its something that women aren’t supposed to do. I’ve ended relationships because I put my career first and make sacrifices for my work like it seems like the feminist woman is supposed to. I’ve recently been questioning how much of myself and my personality is driven by these chips I have on my shoulders or if they’re really authentic parts of myself. I haven’t allowed myself to consider what I really want because it could be in direct conflict with everything I’ve been working towards. If I decide that my career isn’t the most important thing to me, what does that say to the women who broke their backs for me to have this opportunity and whose shoulders I am standing on? Would they be disappointed in me?”
As women, it seems impossible to get away from the guilt of not being good enough, as an employee, as a partner, as a parent. But there truly isn’t a bad way to be a feminist because we’re already honoring the women that came before us by simply allowing ourselves to choose our own paths.